How to Answer That Dreaded Question

Look, I'm a writer. Writing is ingrained into my soul. I'm not happy if I'm not writing. I always have one foot in reality and the other in my imaginary world. I'm sure most of you feel the same.

So naturally when I meet someone at a party or social gathering, who I am comes up in conversation. "Oh, I'm a writer," I'll say.

And then it happens. Every. Single. Time. That dreaded question. "Have you had anything published?"

Being a writer isn't about being published. I'm not claiming to be a "published author." But those non-writer types (more fondly referred to as muggles) don't understand that. If you don't have a book on the store shelves, you're not a legit writer.

After having had to answer this question more times than I can count, I've come up with a way to keep myself amused until I can finally answer, "Yes. Go buy it." Here are some answers to use and enjoy:

1. No. Drink?

2. Yes. I'm the ghost writer for J.K. Rowling.

3. Sure. Why not?

4. Yup, it's coming out in four years. The title's subject to change. So is my pen name. Keep an eye out for it!

5. Oh look over there, a pigeon! *runs away*

6. Yeah, but it's stuff you wouldn't read. Trust me. *shifty eyes*

7. These tapas are amazing.

8. No. You?

9. Give me your money and I'll send a copy to you. Honest. (Bonus points if you can get them to "buy" one for their friends.)

10. *set self on fire à la Hyperbole and a Half*

Any more suggestions?